. . .upon this rock I will build my church; and the gates of hell shall not prevail against it. Matthew 16:18

Types of Abuse

The 'Jezebel' Personality


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Jezebels are CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE people. Like the Jezebel of the Bible, these individuals FORCE OTHERS TO MEET THEIR NEEDS. Usually they aren't interested in changing any of their own desires or wishes, but rather endeavor to BEND OTHERS TO THEIR WILL, USING ALMOST ANY TACTIC THAT WORKS. They can run the gamut from outright BULLIES TO SUBTLE, SNEAKY MANIPULATORS. They come in ALL SIZES AND SHAPES.

A controller might be one who refuses to take "no" for an answer or the QUIETLY DECEPTIVE person who COVERTLY DIRECTS THE LIVES OF OTHERS. Bottom line, controllers are SELFISH as they CONTROL and MANIPULATE others into meeting THEIR OWN NEEDS OF LOVE, SECURITY, and SIGNIFICANCE.

Basic Characteristics of "Jezebel" Behaviors

A) Selfishness

CONTROLLING people are SELFISH and SELF-ABSORBED. They have little interest in meeting others' basic needs, but rather choose to manipulate people into satisfying their needs and wants. THEY USE TACTICS SUCH AS ANGER, ACCUSATION, or SUBTLE MANIPULATION TO FORCE COMPLIANCE. UNconditional love appears to be a foreign concept to them. LOVE IS A WEAPON to be GIVEN OR WITHHELD depending on one's performance. Life must be on their terms.

B) Irresponsibility

Most controllers REFUSE TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR WRONG-DOINGS, PREFERRING TO BLAME OTHERS. If they control others in order to achieve their goals, they don't have to deal with their own problems. If they can manipulate others then they don't have to evaluate their own behavior and accept responsibility for their sins.

C) Boundary Violation

Most controllers are FENCE JUMPERS. They won't honor other peoples' boundaries and limits. They PUSH

THROUGH BOUNDARIES to achieve their selfish goals. THE COMPLIANT PERSON IS FREQUENTLY A VICTIM OF A CONTROLLER's BOUNDARY VIOLATIONS. The victim may have his boundaries violated so often that he no longer believes he has a right to any.

D) Rebellion

Controllers sometimes have serious problems with rebellion. They RESIST RESTRAINTS and AUTHORITY. They struggle with ALL FORMS OF AUTHORITY. Some controllers FLAGRANTLY VIOLATE THE RULES. Other controllers are so bound by performance that they may lack the courage to blatantly break the law, but they might find ways in which to bend it! They are forever searching for loopholes to wiggle through, thus circumventing the rules. Then to complicate the situation, controllers FREQUENTLY HAVE DIFFICULTY ACCEPTING RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR ACTIONS. Consequently, THEY CAN'T REPENT OF SIN THEY REFUSE TO ADMIT. FAILURE TO ACKNOWLEDGE AND REPENT OF SIN IS, IN AND OF ITSELF, REBELLION!

E) Guilt and Self Pity

Controllers will USE ALTERNATING MESSAGES OF GUILT AND SELF-PITY TO MANIPULATE THEIR VICTIMS INTO COMPLIANCE. For example, a mother who uses guilt in an attempt to control confrontations with her children. The mother wants her son to give in to her because HE FELT GUILTY. When that tactic fails, she reminds him that she was all alone in this world, with only her son to love her. This approach was a combination of guilt and pity, again to illicit compliance. GOD USES NEITHER GUILT NOR PITY TO ORDER OUR BEHAVIOR. WHEN WE ARE WRONG, THE HOLY SPIRIT CONVICTS US. HE DOES NOT CONDEMN US, NOR DOES HE USE PITY TO ACQUIRE OUR LOVE!

F) Deception

MANY CONTROLLERS ARE MASTERS OF DECEPTION. They are victims of deception as well as being deceivers themselvess. Since THEY CAN'T ADMIT WRONG-DOING, THEY FREQUENTLY INDULGE IN DENIAL as they ATTEMPT TO MANIPULATE THOSE AROUND THEM. Though it may seem impossible, many controllers do not recognize their behavior as controlling. THEY ARE BLIND TO THEIR SIN. They can't see that they are PLAYING GOD IN SOMEONE's LIFE. Other controllers KNOW EXACTLY THE TACTICS THEY ARE EMPLOYING. However, they believe that the end justifies the means. In other words, THEY KNOW THEY ARE MANIPULATING, but feel it is for a good reason and a just cause. Therefore, they don't acknowledge their behavior as sin. Since rebellion tends to produce deception, the controller is easily deceived.

G) Obsessive Performance

Controllers are usually OBSESSED WITH PERFORMANCE. The GOAL OF ALL OF THEIR MANIPULATION AND CONTROL IS TO GAIN A PARTICULAR PERFORMANCE FROM THOSE AROUND THEM. THEY WANT PEOPLE TO BEHAVE IN A CERTAIN WAY SO THEY USE CONTROL TO ACHIEVE IT.

Controllers can be healed. USUALLY, SOME DEMONIC INFLUENCES ARE MOTIVATING PART OF THEIR BEHAVIOR. Most controllers were themselves controlled, maybe by parents. FEAR AND PRIDE IN THE FORM OF SELF-DEVOTION and SELFISHNESS ARE THE ROOTS OF THEIR PROBLEMS. THESE SINS ALONE REDUCE, IF NOT ELIMINATE, AN INDIVIDUAL'S ABILITY TO HAVE INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS.

Fear is another Motivator for Control

Many people who have been sexually abused or exploited in some way have learned the art of control and manipulation to protect themselves from what they consider further abuse, while some others have adopted this behavior as a result of an inner vow never to trust or allow anyone close to them. The result of all these might be problems with control.

Though the DEMONIC, INIQUITIES, and INNER VOWS may play a large role in a controller's problems, SIN AND SELF-DEVOTION still remain their worst issues. The ONLY WAY TO FREEDOM IS THROUGH REPENTENCE FROM PRIDE, SELF-DEVOTION, and FEAR. Controllers believe their needs will never be met unless THEY MAKE IT HAPPEN. They don't believe God is big enough to care for them. Being performance-bound people, they may also believe that their performance is not good enough to warrant God's intervention or His love. They don't trust God to meet their needs for love, security, and significance and, therefore, must provide for themselves.

Controllers can certainly claim Jezebel as one of their examples. She was a model of deception as she PROMOTED HER OWN AGENDA for profit and gain. SELFISHNESS DOMINATED her life as she manipulatively endeavored to meet her own and Ahab's needs. LIKE JEZEBEL, CONTROLLERS EXPLOIT PEOPLE'S NEEDS FOR LOVE, SECURITY, AND SIGNIFICANCE TO ACHIEVE THEIR OWN GOALS.


Excerpt from Freedom From Your Past by Jimmy Evans.